Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
17 entries this month
17:34 May 29 2009
Times Read: 915
I feel like disappearing today. I still feel like shit. Last night I had a flashback or something that I don't remember and tried to scratch out my eyes even though Brett was trying to stop me. I embarrassed myself to hell and back on Ventrilo with our friends. I feel so ashamed. Our friend, David cheered me up though playing musical chairs and being a teleporting chicken on a game we've been playing. I just want to hide today.
20:38 May 27 2009
Times Read: 922
I'm getting sick.
:-(
23:20 May 20 2009
Times Read: 941
I need to start getting online more often. I'm using my desktop for once since we hardwired it into the modem. I also need to upload some more pictures onto my photobucket so I need to get my files and things off of Brett's laptop. I really don't see the point though since I have to use his laptop until we get me a new monitor.
I'm getting back off since I have chicken cooking right now. Yum!
17:52 May 17 2009
Times Read: 956
We just got back from the Trinity Christian Church. We all had a great time. Aurora liked it and had fun! She sat through half the sermon before going to the nursery. Everyone loved her and made us feel welcomed. They have another service tonight. We told them we can't because of Aurora's nap times but we're definitely going back next Sunday.
I really liked it.
14:09 May 17 2009
Times Read: 958
Some of Aurora's clothes are already dry. We're getting ready to go to church for the first time.
Brett can't remember the last time he's gone. And I remember the last time I really attended a church service was when I was eight or nine years old.
At least I'm already ready and Brett's getting dressed now.
Aurora's eating a banana for breakfast and then getting dressed.
*smiles* New experiences will help me, I guess.
00:35 May 17 2009
Times Read: 962
You know, I swore when we got that washing machine in Nashville, I would never hand wash clothes in a bathtub again.
Guess what I'm doing now?
Explanation:
My mom's washing machine's down. She's probably going to get a new one. Aurora's almost out of clean clothes and so are Brett and I.
I'm not going to let my daughter go without clean clothes... I refuse to go without clean ones... and I won't let Brett either.
The interesting thing, I forgot how much of a sweat it always worked up and the feeling of satisfaction.
16:49 May 12 2009
Times Read: 980
*squeals*
I'm registered for classes and they're showing up on my portal!
16:19 May 12 2009
Times Read: 985
I'm staying away from VR for the most part today. I took a new sleep medication last night and my eyes really hurt. The one thing I really have to do is my online course prep thing for my classes. I got the details today and I'm pissed because it was in my spam even though I added the address to my address book.
Other then that, I'm feeling okay. I have a therapist appointment today. It's the first one I'm going to since late January I believe. I know I need to keep the appointments... I just can't sometimes.
Brett did good at his appointment yesterday. They're going to be working with him on anger management.
15:35 May 11 2009
Times Read: 998
I so love this picture I took of Brett and Aurora together! It's almost like they're reading a book of light. I got enough copies made at Wal-mart for our mothers for Mother's Day. Thank god, they don't mind getting they're presents from us one day late! LOL!
20:33 May 10 2009
Times Read: 1,004
Today is Mother's Day as everyone knows. My mom took me, Aurora, and my Grandma to eat. We had plenty of laughs and time to talk. Aurora really enjoyed herself. She kicked me in the belly though which caused some bleeding and a lot of cramps from my implant. They ended up following me to their place to make sure I was okay. I had fun though.
I'm kind of disappointed we won't be able to get to go to Maryland on the 19th-22nd. Brett's sister is graduating from college. She finished the program to be an RN.
I got another notebook to continue my journaling once I'm done with my red notebook. It was the only one like the one I got left.
We're going back out once I'm done writing this.
I'm wanting to take Aurora to the zoo sometime soon. They're only open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on the weekdays. There's no way I'm going to take her on the weekend. It will only cost $14 for me and Brett to get in. The year-long membership is only $52 and would also get us into the Columbus Zoo for free. We're thinking about trying to get the money together for it.
The only good thing about us going out is if I drive, I use a lot less gas then Brett does.
:-)
I'm wanting to clean and write when we get back... so I guess I need to stop typing and get going, huh?
18:23 May 09 2009
Times Read: 1,014
I feel like shit. I have to go to a birthday party for my cousin today. It's in a couple of hours.
Brett called my mom about 30 minutes ago to let her know I had a bad anxiety attack. I took two of my Listrol on top of my morning one. My face still feels numb and my body is still in the painful tingling like it fell asleep.
Brett and I actually talked some though. We made an agreement in case we end things romantically between us.
I really don't want to show my face to anyone right now. My eyes really hurt along with my head. My chest is swollen. I don't want to go. The only reason why I go anywhere is because I'm hoping one of these times out of the house, my old self will magically appear or at least I'll catch a glimpse of her again.
I'm pathetic.
23:01 May 08 2009
Times Read: 1,022
I decided since I can't transfer the time from my second account to this account that I will keep both of them. I'm going to try to level up my other account. The favor will help a society and I'm bound to make friends on it.
Now I need to find a way to make the time for both accounts and the money to renew both premium memberships.
17:05 May 08 2009
Times Read: 1,029
I just opened a letter from my psychiatrist's office. It contained the form we need for our case at Job and Family Services. I guess it kind of makes me relieved and really upset at the same time. It excuses me from having to work or do community service since they don't look at online courses as being valid for the exemption of the work requirement. I want to work but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it right now.
I think what made me the most upset about the form was one of the last checkmarks.
"The ability to set realistic goals or make plans independently of others."
It's checked the highest, Markedly Limited.
I guess I should have seen it coming since I arrange everything in my life right now around Brett's times. I can't leave the house most of the time without him. I won't go into stores without him.
I'll type more later. We have to get Aurora to her appointment for shots.
01:00 May 06 2009
Times Read: 1,038
Where to start... I got some awesome pictures at the two cemeteries we went to. I told Brett we could start getting out of the house without spending any money.
:-)
I fell and hit my knee on one of the white plot marker things. It's hurts pretty bad.
Brett wanted to go to St. C., which is about 11 or so miles from here. I told him no and we came home to find my mommy looking for us. I couldn't avoid her coming up to our apartment but I was embarrassed.
Why?
Because when we came in, the apartment was a mess. The kittens made so many messes. One even had the runs and got some on the bathroom floor. The garbage bag was ripped to heck and back and the trash was spread from the kitchen, the hallway, and the living room.
I'm really upset about it. Not only is the getting to be an everyday thing with the kittens but maintenance has to come in the apartment to replace the air filter.
I already got the garbage picked up. The clothes picked up. The bathroom cleaned.
I need to get the kitchen the rest of the way clean and I need to get the living room finished too.
Our Comcast got shut off today... we're going to pay them this weekend. My internet is in and out because I'm using someone else's wireless.
I told Brett to just go to bed if he was going to because he was so out of it.
So here I am...
Alone...
With kittens and a cat...
TRYING to clean up everything again!
Maybe it will keep me from thinking about the maintenance staff coming in my safety zone tomorrow.
18:58 May 05 2009
Times Read: 1,040
We're going to pay our rent and then to a cemetery for me to take pictures and us to walk around.
:-)
Let's see how I'll do among the deceased before I take on the living.
23:52 May 03 2009
Times Read: 1,051
Today has been different. I got up early this morning. I felt almost like myself. I made french toast and coffee before waking Brett up. *Aurora wouldn't wake up for either me or him* We ate breakfast together and got Aurora up around 9 a.m. to eat hers. Lunch came and we had fried bologna sandwiches with lettuce and tomato with kool-aid. Dinner's coming up and we're having beans and ham with biscuits.
It's really the first attempt I've made at being me like I was before having Aurora and getting pregnant. I found the time to even finish my V.C. Andrews book I started reading about a week ago.
I start classes online on the 8th of June. I can't wait for my books to get here. I've made the decision I don't want people really knowing what I'm going for or really where until I make the decision to tell them.
It's not that I'm embarrassed. It's that I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of disappointing my daddy, myself, Brett, and Aurora. I feel like I'm going to get started, getting good grades and learning things ahead of my peers, and then have to drop because of something stupid.
I can still withdraw. I don't think Brett nor my mom knows how tempted I am to do so. I don't even think I really know how much the temptation is at this time.
Our problems are jumping on top of each other to form a tower hovering over us blocking out the sun.
We owe about $300 right now that we have to come up with by Tuesday or our internet, phone, and cable are going to be cut off. We've asked everyone we can think of for some help but no one can do it. Our one friend can help but he's not able to until the 11th.
Nice, huh? About three days after I got enrolled in a program for my Associates Degree through online courses... we get a notice saying we have to come up with that much in four days.
We have an appointment tomorrow with welfare. We're hoping we can get some cash assistance for this month. It would take so much stress off of me and Brett.
My mom's going to help me get the supplies I need to be organized for my classes and things. I hate asking her for help on it.... or asking her for help with anything. She has enough on her mind with her back and neck, my grandma, my stepdad, Tyler, and Jessica. She doesn't need me on her mind as well.
I know I can do this. I know I can complete my courses and get this degree. I need to find the motivation though. Some how I need to find the old me again... the one who wasn't afraid to pick up the computer or the phone. The one people could depend on and come to for help.
I miss her and I think I'm too the point where I want her back. The question is now, how do I find her?
23:29 May 02 2009
Times Read: 1,062
I don't know if I'm becoming more like myself lately or not. I'm enrolled in college online. I'm quite excited about and scared to death of it all the same. I keep thinking that I'm going to fail again. I really want to do this though. My classes start on June 8th and it's almost fully paid for too. I can't mess this time up!
COMMENTS
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TheCountOfThirteen
22:14 May 29 2009
*HUGS YA*